The Daring Blog for Girls

Holding My Breath

2012-01-07T19:16:00.002+08:00

My Most Important Goal this year: Write my thesis proposal, defend it and at least start data collection.

The new year has started and I am struggling to stay the course! I've been very good this first week, checked off items from my list, postponed others because I tend to list too much. (heh)

Please let me stick to this!

In other news...

What movies/shows are you looking forward to this year? Here is a partial list of mine:
1. Hunger Games
2. The Legend of Korra
3. Rurouni Kenshin live action movie (I hope they release this outside Japan with English subtitles)
4. Breaking Dawn Part II (sort of)

New Blog Title, New Content

2011-12-19T22:46:00.002+08:00

I'm through with depressive blogging.

New Blog Title, New Blog Content! That's my New Year's Resolution!

Watching Zombieland

2011-06-18T23:40:00.001+08:00

I'm kind of loving Woody Harrelson in Zombieland.

"I just love red-necks!"
"I haven't cried like that since Titanic..."

:)

Lifeline from God

2009-02-04T08:09:00.000+08:00

No land in sight... but not drowning anymore

Art done in MS PowerPoint.

The road to somewhere

2009-02-02T18:44:00.000+08:00

Have you ever had a "religious experience"? I mean, that distinct feeling that God is moving in your life and talking to you through other people? I've never had one until this weekend.

Last Friday I said things that really, really hurt someone. It was like my inner bigot decided to come out and have a party. It's a miracle I was even forgiven.

Even so, the Saturday that followed was possibly one of the worst I've ever had in my entire life. Weeping my eyes out in shame and guilt, you know? At dinner with the family, my sister asked me, "Are you sick?" I guess I looked really bad.

The worst part of it is, it was my own fault. There's nothing worse than that. And of course I've lost that person's trust.

And then at Mass the next day, failing to catch the 7:15 AM one at Don Bosco, I heard the one in our condo. And the priest's homily went like this, "Words are powerful. They should uplift and not destroy," exactly like someone was chastising me. You might think that's a common enough sermon to hear, but considering that the Gospel was about how Jesus drove a demon out of a possessed man, it was only slightly related to the literal meaning of the passage. Plus, it was delivered by a priest I usually feel weird hearing mass from, well, because he always seems to insert some self-congratulatory reference in the homily. And yet, and yet... he was the one who spoke the words that reached me, for the first time, in a long time at mass. So it seemed all of a theme. Speak gently. Amazing things can come out of the most unexpected people. Never judge too quickly.

And it was amazing. To hear God, even if it's just to hear him say, "Yeah girl. You have been bad." I actually felt slightly better.

It's going to be a long road. I don't know when I'll reach the end of it. But I remember a prayer I was praying some time ago and realize it has been answered. And the lesson learned from that is that next time, I should clarify what I'm asking for.

And the other lesson is that at the end of this road, there is a beautiful clearing.

This just needed to get out of my head

2008-07-21T21:54:00.003+08:00

I was gonna put a Michaelangelo reference here but... never mind. It feels silly now.

Anyway saw the series finale of Avatar and this "fan-writing" just needed to get out of my head. Its a narrative version of one of the scenes and the words were demanding to get put on paper. Seriously. I have something like this for Return of the Jedi too. Haha I know, I know, I'm such a freak.

Anyway, since my sister isn't online, I'll paste this here.

***

The lightning charge gave an odd blue cast to Azula’s skin, washing out the dark shadows under her eyes. Her arms circled around her in the familiar form that served to build up the energy. I waited, watching her face carefully as she smiled. Azula’s eyes locked on mine.

… and slid past…

Almost too late, I realized as she threw the bolt, that she wasn’t aiming for me.

“NOOOOOO!”

I ran to catch the wave of lightning that flew past me with ferocious power, and knew I would never be able to make it. So I leaped directly into the path of the charge, shielding Katara, and tried to guide the flow of the energy as my uncle had taught me.

But I was off balance and the jump threw me just slightly out of focus, so that the energy didn’t flow into me.

It exploded into me.

The pain was like nothing I had ever known in my life. I dropped heavily to the courtyard floor and couldn’t even writhe with the agony. I wrestled to control the power inside me as it burned uncontrollably. But I had lost my hold on it and it continued to burn me from the inside out and I knew that if I didn’t find a way to release it, I would die.

Push it out.

It was not how my uncle had taught me.

PUSH!

And the power seemed to erupt out of every pore in my body.

The sky grew bright, briefly, as the lightning found release, carrying with it a strange sound. Then I realized that the sound was my own scream.

***

They had been fighting long and intensely, the air thick with the heat of their fire. It was as frightening and as powerful, I imagined, as it might have been between two dragons duelling. But I knew Zuko was gaining the upper hand when his last attack broke through Azula’s defense to send her spawling across the floor.

I had never seen Azula bested quite so soundly.

And then Zuko taunted her to use lightning, and I understood why. He was taking a calculated risk, a huge risk, that he would be able to redirect Azula’s attack and thus end the match decisively.

“I’LL SHOW YOU LIGHTNING!”

I watched her shape the deadly power with deliberate movements. Brother and sister stood directly in front of each other and I prayed that Zuko’s gamble would work.

And then Azula struck…

… at me…

The lightning came faster than I had time to react, and I felt the power of it even as it was still meters away. And then somehow Zuko was in front of me, shielding me from the lethal strike, and the lightning hit him full force.

He fell, shaking with pain, and I stared in horror as the lightning screamed, uncontrolled, out of his body.

Desperately, I ran toward him.

***

Yeah, this is a show on Nickelodeon. And it's nowhere near Spongebob :)

Are you a geek?

2008-05-27T19:27:00.002+08:00

My definition of a geek is someone who specializes in esoteric knowledge that the mainstream population doesn't really care to know about THAT well. And a geek would know it VERY WELL.

--- Spoken like a true geek

And this is what students at GaTech Campus had to say:

I'm trying to come up with a list of the BEST DORKS/GEEKS evar. There are already two in my list. Know of any others? :)

Doldrums

2008-05-27T18:54:00.005+08:00

Three points to the one who can tell what book(s) actually use that word?

I feel hugely guilty today. I find that whenever I talk freely about how I feel I find myself wishing afterward that I hadn't.

How Can I Ever Get Around...

2008-04-21T22:24:00.004+08:00

... to concentrating on all the work I have to do, when they always have some kind of obsession-inducing update??? (Easy Kathy... DON'T GO ONLINE! duh...)

Actually I had started keeping an eye on the making of the Twilight movie because of initial fan reactions expressing strong objections to Robert Pattinson being cast as the vampire Edward Cullen. Reasons revolved around the general theme, "He's not hot enough!" and I felt so sorry for the poor boy. (In case you didn't watch Harry Potter: The Goblet of Fire, Robert is the British actor who played Cedric Diggory) So I started looking up his acting creds and found out that in between he's been trying out all kinds of roles: really weird roles --- deliberately. Like nerds/losers, tortured WWII bomber pilots, and sexually ambiguous artists (i.e. Salvador Dali). The kid's not bad! That plus the facts that in interviews he's always disarmingly unpretentious, a-dork-ably shy and poking fun at himself, have naturally transformed me into one of his legions of followers! (read: fan). I do wish for him that he can prove all those shallow-haters wrong. :D (Although I'm afraid that even if he does deliver, they will still refuse to acknowledge because they don't find him pretty enough. sigh.)

In the meantime, here's a promo video from Summit on the Twilight movie. Robert's American accent kind of reminds of Tobey Maguire's. Which is funny because of what he says. Listen to it.

Credit for the youtube video goes to movielover247.

P.S. Since I am fangirl-ing, I might as well do it thoroughly. Robert Pattinson pictures for your reference. The many faces of... :) I like that he has been deliberately choosing odd roles after his Harry Potter stint (read: non-pretty boy roles).

As Cedric Diggory in Harry Potter:

The closest look I can get you for how he looked in The Haunted Airman:

As Daniel, the nerdy guy friend in The Bad Mother's Handbook:

As Arthur, the down-and-out guy trying to come to terms with who he is in, How To Be:

As a young Salvador Dali in, Little Ashes:

My sister is scolding me already for blogging too much. Bye!

A New Spin on Old Horrors

2008-04-12T16:38:00.001+08:00

There's going to be a movie version of Twilight coming out in the US on December 12, 2008. I hadn't realized that I'd stumbled on a book with such a huge fanbase. Apparently, Twilight stayed on the bestseller list for 56 weeks and has sold 5.5 million copies worldwide.

So I would like to correct myself. This story isn't Romeo and Juliet crossed with Buffy the Vampire Slayer. In terms of emotional impact, it's probably more like Titanic crossed with Interview with a Vampire.

Here's an MTV report on the movie.

Robert Pattinson looked embarrassed to play the dazzlingly attractive vampire. How cute.

Mad Skills

2008-02-24T00:39:00.002+08:00

This is just too cool not to share. It's a fan video for Avatar though... you have thus been warned!

Video was made by ravenhpltc24.

The Other Fish

2008-02-01T22:22:00.000+08:00

Now, to take away some of the edge off the previous post I will talk a bit about some worthy (though fictional) men. Haha I mean, my past and current pleasant cartoon distractions.

Geek alert. Do not proceed if you are allergic to fandom.

----o0o----

This is Kenshin, ex-assassin turned housemaid. He looks like a girl, but he can kill you in flash. The story of his conversion, from killer to cook, is what Rurouni Kenshin's all about. Aside from the compelling lead character, RK is also great because of how well it blended fiction with historical fact. A pseudo-historical romance, this manga/anime actually helped me answer one of the items in one of the STS exams (the mandatory subject all UP students hate). What's not to love? If you want to talk some more about Ken-san, I would happily smother you with all the information I have. And the geek steps fully out of the closet. Not that I was ever really in the closet...

this graphic was taken from www.romantation.com --- it's actually fan comic illustration (doujinshi), Spark! But it's remarkably similar to the (later) canon drawings.

Now below is my newest idol, Prince Zuko.

Zuko is a surprising, sexy, study in contradiction (yeah, go alliteration!). The caricature bad-guy in Season 1 of Avatar the Last Airbender, Zuko is slowly revealed to be a complicated character. Branded and banished by his own father, a lesser man would have succumbed to cynicism or cruelty or despair. But even in his darkest moments, Zuko found the kindness in his heart to teach a poor boy how to defend himself, and risk discovery in enemy territory to light candles for a girl. He's strong, brave, angry, and conflicted. But he's also sweet, in an awkward, boyish sort of way. Finally in Season 3 he sees the light and defects from his father to join the Avatar's group in their fight to end the war. And with that, you know that the very tenacity with which Zuko hunted the Avatar in the first season is the very thing that would make a damn loyal friend. That's mah-boy Zuko. (Zuko is voiced by Fil-Am actor Dante Basco.)

Okay fangirl drooling over.

----o0o----

Geek alert out.

T - for Troll

2008-02-01T21:06:00.000+08:00

Moments like what happened tonight are what make me think that maybe there is a Harry Potter world out there and JK Rowling hadn't made it up --- she'd actually been there. You know why I think this? Because some TROLLS have escaped the Potterverse and are WALKING AMONG US.

Sure they look like ordinary men. But their offensive crudeness unmistakably gives them away as the progeny of trolls, or a troll and a centaur. (Guess the horse-man couldn't find any women to kidnap).

Here's the scene. I got into the elevator on the second floor of Paseo Center to get down to the ground floor (because the escalators were under repair and there weren't stairs in sight). Three men were already in. There was just me and the three men (trolls). As the door closed on us, one of them sniggers to his friend, "Oi pare saan na nga pala yung babaeng ni-rape mo kagabi?" And they laugh.

Now, even if that was a simple joke among friends and was not some sadistic prank to freak the hell out of lone female co-passengers in elevators, it was just plain wrong. Furious, I got off on the ground floor without showing any sign of annoyance or girl-y terror. What a bunch of asses.

I'm really wishing all of them would wake up tomorrow as girls, barely 5 feet tall, with bad backs. So they can find out what it's like to be small and weak, and have to walk home alone at night, with possible trolls lurking around them. Let's see how that makes them feel. Or they could all just choke. That's fine with me too.

If that scene had come out of a Dark Angel episode, the elevator doors would have opened with the three men lying unconscious on the floor and me walking out with one eyebrow slightly arched, pissed yet bored-looking at the same time.

That scene would have been fine with me too.

I Want to Meet Him

2007-10-17T21:03:00.001+08:00

I'm late I know, but I just recently discovered how cute Masi Oka is. The Jay Leno interview with Justin Timberlake beside him would have been a better introduction, because it covers the basics: IQ=180, programmer at ILM, a mime of his mom's reaction when he said he wanted to be an actor...but I can't find it on youtube anymore. This one is good too.

Smart, funny, nice guy. Very down-to-earth. If I were a guy, I'd want to be just like him :))

I Got Mail!

2007-10-04T22:19:00.000+08:00

Yesterday, I got a card from one of my grade school teachers. Wala lang. She was just rummaging through her things, found a letter or card I had written her, and decided to write me just to say hi and wish me belated happy birthday (she remembers!!!). Isn't that sweet? She was my grade school Science teacher, the lady who taught us about God and faith using Star Wars as metaphor. Also introduced us (me) to Star Trek. So yeah, she was a pretty important figure in my formative years.

Soon as I get the time I will write her back.

How are you doing Ms. Gusilatar?

Things You've Said Which I'm Annoyed to Find are True

2007-08-19T21:25:00.000+08:00

1. We should never let the things that we need to do get in the way of the things we want to do.

2. Life follows Boyle's Law. So it doesn't matter how much pressure there is... our containers' volume will always accommodate it.

3. I work better when someone's breathing down my neck. (That is, if sanity were not an issue.)

4. Making money is important.

5. I'm afraid of greatness. Because I'm afraid of great failure.

There's more I'm sure... I just can't remember them now. For all the jerk you were, you also hit upon some truths. And while I still haven't forgiven you, I guess that doesn't mean I don't love you. Why else would being so angry with you feel so right and so wrong at the same time?

If only you could speak

2007-07-31T22:15:00.000+08:00

Dear Kathryn,

I'm hurt. I realize you take me for granted. And for a few years now, I've let it slide because I thought it was supposed to be like that... it seems to be that way for most people. But you and I both have a bad habit of overestimating our strength, and this time it's come back to bite us on the ... And personally, I've had enough. So no more cramming for you you, no more lugging heavy books, no more carrying ALL the necessities with you in 1 or 2 or 3 bags together. NO MORE. You are going to have to start lightening up your act. I MEAN it! Or else I'm going to spasm for the rest of your work-productive life, which will be shortened, because how long do you think I'll be able to keep on spasming... hmmm?!?! Yes, I'm threatening. Take this seriously.

Sino pa ba?
Your Back

Dear Back,

How can you betray me at a time like this? Traitor!!!

I'll never forgive you,
Kathryn

=============================================

Dear A-B,

Peter once said, "Nobody can make you feel bad about yourself unless you let them." I don't want to let you anymore. But I'm too chicken to take you off my Friendster list.

Kathryn

Kathryn,

Huh? Who are you again?

A-B

Raising Sweet Men

2007-06-28T21:56:00.000+08:00

Gawd... the titles I write lately...

Two nights ago my brother asked me which is the "more mature" type of man: a) one who just goes after 1 particular girl, [to the utter bewilderment of his peers] or b) one who keeps his options open [which translates in my head as... MARAMING PINOPORMAHAN]. He even has this funny opening like,

"So... you're a girl... <insert question here>."

Now that I think about it, I don't recall actually giving him a straight answer; instead I asked him why he was asking and who said what, and it turns out his guy friends are pushing man-type b. And I respond with something like,

"Hmmm. I dunno, that kind of guy, like the torpe guy, is so <nakakainis> ... ewan, what's the word?..."

And he goes, "wussy?"

And I'm like yeah. That's it. <I'll leave connecting the dots to you.>

And he paces around, thoughtful, and goes on... "It's not a matter of being practical <pace, pace, pace, pace>... I just can't do it that way!"

AND I AM AMAZED. And proud :). My little brother is a romantic! Against peer pressure too! Isn't that sweet?

He's good-looking too. See picture below. That girl he's making porma to better be worth it.

:D Not that us big sisters will interfere...

Implicit Learning

2007-06-24T12:24:00.000+08:00

What an awfully boring title.

Anyway, the [annual] company tourney just started last Wednesday, June 20. I think everyone's heads is full of badminton, if not work...

Two years ago, when I first started here, I would have classified myself as a level 4 player. With only 2 levels in discussion, and 1 being the higher level, you can imagine where I stood in 2005. It's a wonder LE didn't feel like murdering me when I was his playing partner against JC and someone I can't remember. Now... GS actually almost assigned me to level 1, and I haven't even been practising in the interim.

So, despite losing my first game I guess all in all, I'm happy. It appears I actually learned something I hadn't realized my body was studying. Given that I'm the kind of student who only got 1.0 (or close) in P.E. when it was PE 101, which had written requirements, or PE-stretching when the teacher was pregnant and so asked for uh... written requirements, it's a pretty big thing :D

Now, I need to work on actually running after the shuttlecock.

I have a hard time explaining myself

2007-04-13T18:20:00.000+08:00

You have a frightening way of slipping in between the cracks and making me laugh, despite myself, against my will, beyond good reason.

Don't.

This can only end in disaster.

===

Late this afternoon, JR popped into my screen and told me Kurt Vonnegut was dead. I didn't really know Vonnegut; I only know of him vaguely... a writer, a writer good enough that fictional characters in books I have read talk of wanting to study under him. BB thought he only wrote profoundly incomprehensible stuff. But apparently he wrote this: Long Walk to Forever. And I think to myself, how come I haven't read him?!? It's like never having known... ee cummings' "Somewhere I have never travelled" or Neruda's Sonnet XVII.

Plus, he writes science fiction.

I have to find this guy's works.

Lose Some, Win Some

2007-04-08T18:22:00.000+08:00

SO. For those who haven’t heard, we’ve been robbed.

The Lummoxes are safe, don’t worry. We’re just poorer.

It’s a shame. I was actually really planning to celebrate laptop’s 6^th anniversary in my possession. With a (cup)cake and everything! But the robbers got to him first. Oh laptop, I’m sorry I wasn’t there for you!

So it should come as no surprise when I say: we’ve abandoned the room with a Biew. How embarrassing. We only lasted a month! L Anyone know of a place in Makati three freshly robbed siblings can safely rent?

=====

On another note, mamee Lern applied for a car loan so next week, we’ll be greeting Benihime, the new car. Maybe there will be pictures in the next blog.

Also, there’s a new baby in the house. His name’s supposed to be Diego, but father is afraid (he has the oddest fears) that that’s not a very good name for a dog because it’s too human. Who knows! We might be entertaining a man named Diego in the house in the future and wouldn’t he find it insulting to know our dog has his name?

Diego is a miniature pinscher, brown, and he’s tiny. People in the house like looking in on him just to be able to say, “Ang liit!” To illustrate how small, let me provide a description: he can literally, fit in the palm of your hand. He’s like a marsupial… or a rat.

So far, possible names that have been bandied about are: Choco, Joe, Bruiser… that last is from Ruddie. I mean imagine calling out, “Bruiser!” and have charging in this barking, snarling… marsupial dog. Kinda funny. Maybe there will be pictures of him in the next blog too.

By the way Happy Easter, all!

Durk-durk, Lern and Jajuhby: The New Adventures of the Lummoxes

2007-03-11T15:15:00.001+08:00

February 19, 2007, 7:54
PM (CEM time, as opposed to say, Philam time)

Today is the first day of the year of the Pig. Joy read to me from somewhere that this is supposed to be a lucky year for Sheep people. I’m Sheep. And crossing my fingers…

I promised myself I would only start blogging again
if something significant happened in my life (because otherwise I just tend to blog about ahem, someone…) and something has. Just last week, Lern, Jaje and I moved into our home-away-from-home here in Makati. This is pretty significant for me because this is the first time I’ve really lived away from home, and very much on my own too ‘cause I --- we --- will really be fending for ourselves. Rent, utilities, laundry, etc. we’ll be paying on our own. It’s so grown-up! (haha, I sound so retarded) But see, in our family, childhood ends at the age of 30, if ever it really does, and while there is some comfort to be taken from knowing your folks have always got your back, I wanted to know what I was made of. In my head, if not marriage, that means moving out. Haaay. I am retarded. Bbbut, see there’s still something different about sharing bills at home and being in charge of your own bills… (retarded!)

Our place is Room 1803 B, the room with a BIEW…

When I got home to 1803 B last Friday, I was walking under my --- what is getting to be --- recurring cloud of depression (full cycle is about once every 3 days, I’m kidding!…) so God decided to send me a cheer-upper in the form of a little prince.

Me (to Lern via SMS): I just met one of our neighbors!

Lern: Ooh! Are they human? Or peacocks? J (for an understanding of what Peacocks are, review relevant X-files episode involving the Peacock family)

Me: It’s A Little Prince!

The little’s prince’s name is FiliBERTO! (insert mime here of that patent Italian hand-chop). At least, in my head the way the kid says it, sounds Italian (or well, foreign,
hehe). He and his mother came by the unit because they wanted to say hello to the previous tenants, who were unfortunately gone already. Apparently, the previous tenants (5 nurses) took care of 6-year-old Filiberto when he had been down with food poisoning. And Filiberto (yes, he doesn’t seem to have a nickname, or if he does I am not privy to it, since I am only the strange new neighbor) having gotten a new cellphone, wanted to give them his number. Poor boy, how disappointing that he only chanced upon tired, disheveled me, who had had to lug around 2 bond paper reams of PPP reports. (Yes, PPP for Panukat ng Pagkataong Pilipino.)

I call him Little Prince because like a prince he is good-looking, poised, and… authoritative...

Me (fumbling with the door keys): … this is confusing…

Little prince offers to open the door for me. And walks into the unit and lectures me…

Little Prince: When you are opening the door turn the key
only this way (makes clockwise gesture). Don’t turn it this way and this way (imitates my clockwise-counterwise confused motions), or you’ll end up locking-unlocking it.

Me (feeling every inch the stupid 27-year-old): … ehehehehe.

He is also an intriguing kid. His mother (whom we shall dub Queen, since well, he’s Little Prince) asked me if I was also studying and I said, yes, and she said, oh what course? And I said Developmental Psychology. And she says…

Queen (to Little Prince): That’s perfect! Didn’t you say you needed someone you could talk to about your hopes and dreams?

Me (to myself): …Hhhoookaaaay…

Anyway the whole encounter ended with Little Prince giving me his number, which I think is mostly out of the Queen’s politeness since Little Prince kind of just walked into our unit and proceeded to criticize liberally. But I enjoyed the whole odd encounter and
sent the Little Prince an SMS.

Me: Hi Filiberto! It was nice meeting you and your mom! Please tell her also J. This is Kathryn from room 1803 by the way.

Little Prince: ok

This is the most non-self-censoring blog I’ve ever posted. It’s fun. If you got confused by my writing, apologies, but this is pretty much how I think, which is why I’m usually quiet in groups. I already have a little group of my own inside my head (okay, not only am I retarded, I am also CRAZY.).

I hope you enjoyed the show! I just realized (again, but with pleasure!) that this is my form of humor: I make fun of myself a lot. I was never able to capture it in writing until now.

Happy New Year everyone!

Edit: I lied. I just went back and edited this piece. Not much though… just cleaned up a few grammatical and style problems (OC!!!).

Glimmer

2007-01-19T12:29:00.001+08:00

Last night it finally happened.

I caught a glimpse. A glimmer of what I've been waiting for since starting the semester.

Respect. Maybe even awe.

Ok. Awe is too much. But respect, yeah.

And the dissatisfaction / unease is hopefully coming to a close.

Playuh-playuh

2006-12-11T12:45:00.000+08:00

Yesterday, Louie asked, "Smart ka 'no?" I thought he meant the adjective so I respond with a noncommital "Mmmmm." And somebody in the background pipes up ("Ayaw sabihin o."). Louie repeats the question and my torpid brain finally catches on... "Ah. Uh, oo." Aaay, how slow. Now, if I were sharper I would've responded with a coy smile and a snappy, "Both!" I rrrreeallly should acquire verbal-riposte skills.

===

Marvin tells me I may be a player. Is that true? And do I somehow know it? Is that the reason I am typically aloof --- bordering on unfriendly --- because I don't want to be so?

Hahahahaha.

Sigh. Rotten-Woody feelings are still cropping up now and then.

===

I am rapidly, rapidly becoming a big Naruto fan. It's like Harry Potter, only BETTER! I swear! Well, if you were into martial arts and all that. I just love the characters. They grow on you... and I wish Sasuke could be saved. But the arc of his personal tragedy demands no less than an equally tragic ending. He will probably redeem himself, Vader-like, at the end, but it will cost him his life. It's so sad.

Ah, how I love my boys tragic.

===

Now, that's what's wrong with me right there.

===

Good things in my life right now: My UP friends, my siblings, Naruto and the occasional cheer-upper from school, work and living in the real world. Other good things I want: time for gym / dance classes / artsy stuff, finishing my masters and travelling to Europe.

One Last

2006-12-02T12:46:00.000+08:00

I know I promised not to talk about this anymore, but I just need to get this off my chest.

I feel like a cast-off friend. Think Toy Story, except I'm not Woody. I mean Woody was precious and important and he rocked.

...

Hard to Port

2006-11-13T23:19:00.000+08:00

Or in Filipino, biglang kabig sa kaliwa.

It starts today.

The life.

The fight.

The celebration.

And what this blog was supposed to be all about.

I've had enough of myself.

Betwixt and Between, Celebrations and Daring-do

2006-11-08T21:57:00.000+08:00

I have a new favorite winning scene: Full Metal Panic TSR's last episode, when Sousuke delivers the final blow that just trounces the enemy. Loved the way the music and his words come together:

"I am a student of Tokyo Jindai Municipal High School. Second year, class four. Student number 41. I am in charge of taking out the garbage and recycling. And my name is SOUSUKE!"

Okay, it's not really obvious for the uninitiated why those lines are funny-great :) You simply have to have watched the series.

And I love how his team just stared, thunderstruck, at how he beat the enemy.

This is how it looked after. That trench behind that gray mecha? That used to be the bad guy.

===

In other news, I'm enlisting in a neuropsychological assessment class. Continuing to expand my field of experience. Translation: I'm checking out if clinical work is for me. I need to know this. So, Jon Ray, looks like I'm going the stupid way and listening to my heart.

Let's see how it all turns out.

===

**** is offering me a post in the **. It's a strange coincidence. Best left talked about in person though. It seems a little insensitive to write it down for everyone to see.

===

This is the most disjointed blogpost ever, isn't it?

I'm Gonna Find Another You

2006-10-28T17:16:00.000+08:00

... or not. (That's a John Mayer song title up there. Are you proud?)

...

... I don't know where to start.

There are days when I'm ok. And there are days when I am not. Today is one of the 'not days.'

I knew back then that quitting was the only thing about us I could control, so I went down that road. I was afraid that it would only end up in heartbreak for me to wait for you to make up your mind. So of course I end up heartbroken anyway and 5 months after that night, I'm still crying.

...

I'm such an idiot. How could you ever like a tanuki when you've always been surrounded by swans? And "carabaos"?

Sun, sand and a few earthquakes

2006-10-24T09:53:00.000+08:00

Our recent trip to the beach...

Get Your Own! | View Slideshow

The Thief

2006-10-06T21:20:00.000+08:00

Remember the mental ice cream I bought? Well turns out the Newberry Honor book was great: Megan Whalen Turner's 'The Thief' series. The Thief, The Queen of Attolia, and The King of Attolia. My heart has been stolen!

The setting is pseudo ancient Greece, in an alternate sort of planet Earth. There is no electricity, and the heliocentric theory is still fairly new, but watches and guns are already in use. The stories revolve around a boy (we don't know how old he is, at the start probably 14-16 years old) named Eugenides. The first book opens with him in prison, for boasting that he can steal anything... even the King's seal. For this, he is thrown in jail (both for the bragging and the actual stealing). And then one night, the king's adviser approaches him with an offer he can't possibly refuse.

And so the story unfolds, with Gen narrating from a first-person-point-of-view, and we are treated to his sharp-eyed observations, acerbic opinions, and often irreverent sense of humor about everything that goes on around him. He is a surprisingly engaging character; at first I had my doubts as to whether I would like the book, but I ended up finishing it a few hours after I got past the initial slowness of the first few pages. Because I was seeing events through Gen's eyes, and he's a very entertaining narrator.

In fact, Gen's narration is one of the more ingenious narrative devices I've come across in a long time. Although we read the story from a first-person-point-of-view, the author successfully skirts around the question of who Gen really is (oh drat, now I've blown the cover) without appearing to hide anything in particular. And so the final surprise, the final twist to the plot at the end is both wholly unsuspected and yet not wholly surprising either. We know there is something more to Gen; we just didn't know how much more.

So I suggest for those of you out there who like reading 'kids' books,' to read this one. The 1996 Newberry Honor award recipient: The Thief. And for sheer pleasure, move on to the two sequels: The Queen of Attolia, and The King of Attolia. The series doesn't look to be over; which is a good thing, except that I would probably have to wait another 4-6 years before I see the next story. The gap between books is about that long. Sigh.

Go! Go! Go! Read!

If It Would Hurt This Much...

2006-09-19T13:04:00.000+08:00

... then why did we have to meet? --- Kagome, in tears

I thought Inuyasha and Kagome's romance had lost the power to reach me.

I guess not. Must be of a piece with everything else that's happened.

Maybe it's the feeling of being second-best. Maybe it's the feeling of never being enough. Maybe it's the knowing that no matter how much you might love someone, that you will never be first in their heart because that place is already taken...

Their story is simple, sweet, maybe even childish. But occasionally, I still find it wrenching.

"Someday I Will Love Somebody...

2006-09-16T22:29:00.000+08:00

...who will not expect me to save the world..." --- Andrew Wiggin, THE Speaker for the Dead

Highlights of the week:

1. Monday: Worked like a horse.

2. Tuesday: Skipped class. To continue working like a horse.

3. Wednesday: Went home early. To work like a horse at home. But I couldn't solve my systems of equations. Boohoo.

4. Thursday: Mad scramble to finish the work I've been working like a horse on. We print a draft copy for the VP to see. I go off to class, with my unfinished homework. The prof kindly agrees to give an extension. Thank God for small miracles.

5. Friday: My outfit for the day was a hit. With a motley of comments ranging from: "Nakakamangha!" --- from Janet, to "Ang sexy naman!" --- from, well, various people, to "Lady'ng lady" --- from Mark, and the funniest, "Parang gusto kong pumalakpak!" --- from Rex.
On the other hand.... the work I cut class for? The VP basically didnt like how we (ahem, I, ako nga pala mostly ang responsible dun) had organized the report. But we submitted to the client anyway, and will probably be submitting another one more to the VP's liking.

So yeah, despite the dress comments, I'm broken-hearted.

Bought 2 pocketbooks (1 Newberry Honor book and its sequel), 'coz I couldn't get the pedicure I wanted. I needed some kind of mental ice cream.

6. Saturday: Attended an HRD seminar for the pet project. I'll blog about that separately, or not, depending on my mood. And I miss you. I'm depressed about the fact that I do. Lately I've been crying the tears I didn't cry the night I decided to quit you. I thought time and distance would dull the ache. It only seems to have poetically magnified it.

So yeah, I'm broken-hearted.

Bought another pocketbook (by Barbara Hambly). Trying to rekindle my love affair with books.

But I feel generally wan.

At least, ear-tweak has put up a scan of "A merciful heart."

"What a strange way in which to resemble his father."

I May Never Come This Way Again

2006-09-08T20:59:00.000+08:00

Paul was finally able to upload the 274 (Cognitive Psychology) class picture. I've really been looking forward to having a copy of it. I'm not sure why. It was a good way to end the class.

And... the CEM Anniversary (embarrassing) pictures. (sheepish grin) The theme was Sayaw! And our department got assigned the 60's decade.

And for that effort, we won first place :) The prize money, we've spent on Crispy Pata, Sinigang na Salmon sa Mison, Ensaladang Talong, and Pinakbet from Kamayan. And there's still left-over for some ice-cream some other day. Yeah! Winner talaga. Hahahaha.

And I thought this picture was a good way to end this blog.

Seryoso?

2006-09-06T12:50:00.000+08:00

You Should Be a Romance Novelist

You see the world as it should be, and this goes double for all matters of the heart.
You can find the romance in any situation, and you would make a talented romance story writer...
And while you may be a traditional romantic, you're just as likely to be drawn to quirky or dark love stories.
As long as it deals with infatuation, heartbreak, and soulmates - you could write it.

What Type of Writer Should You Be?

And the Diamond-hard Hardness of His Heart Was Transfigured into Light

2006-08-22T22:55:00.000+08:00

... That's 2 lines in a row now from the same author! Barbara Hambly rocks.

To know more is to love more. At least that is how it is with me. The more I know about something, or someone, the more I love them. Or the more I love, the more I love. >The harder the fall, the harder the fall? Hahahaha<. I'm saying this now because I'm beginning to realize I'm not so unteachable when it comes to music. And that the more I know, the more fun it is to know more. Right now I know that Phil Collins wasn't the first to do "You can't hurry love." Yes. Let's celebrate my small achievements. And I like Bamboo just because. I like the way they sound.

Shattering into a Thousand Green Jangling Pieces

2006-08-17T23:31:00.000+08:00

My body is going into self-destruct. Or shut-down safety mode. I am constantly tired and sleepy, and my eyes if they don't get better may need an operation. Hopefully the antibiotic will work.

I had my sister drop the medicine into my eye. I was supposed to look up as she squeezes a drop in, look down, and without squeezing my eyes shut, swish my eyeballs around to spread the medicine. I was moving my eyeballs in a clockwise direction, while Rudd was making counterclockwise movements with her finger.

Dammit!

"Hey, you're making me dizzy!"

And she starts snorting in hilarity.

Harhar.

========

He caught my eye the first time I saw him. Now he has grown in power and is coming into his father's heritage: compassion for those without the power to defend themselves. I knew there was more to him than just a pretty face.

So now it's confirmed. I LOVE SESSHOMARU-SAMA!

Scanlation! Scanlation! Scanlation!

========

Interior design is not as fun as it seems. We had the pet project office walls repainted and it took us about an hour (or more) to reach a consensus on wall color choice. Gahhh. The floor tiles would be even harder. But it's gratifying to see the paint job done well and on time. Now the walls don't have mysterious, ugly, sooty handprints.

========

I have this classmate in statistics class who is such a sweetheart. I bet he has dozens of older sisters. It's my pet theory. Maybe I should ask him next week.

Oh, why do I think he's a sweetheart? Nothing much really. It's just that he's the kind of guy who would pick up your umbrella when it gets knocked off your chair (even if he had nothing to do with it getting knocked off), simply because. Doesn't seem much I guess. He really had to reach over to do it, you know. The umbrella didn't fall on the side close to him. I dunno. Maybe I'm just touched by the casual kindness. He actually does his part in group works too! (then again, this should be expected since we're graduate students). If I were a guy, he's the kind of guy I would want to be.

Sounds weird I know. But I wouldn't be me if I didn't sound weird.

========

Arrgghh. I have to dance the cha-cha on Sept 1. Not that I hate dancing, and didn't I say I >secretly< style="font-style: italic;">

I Speak but Nobody Hears

2006-08-09T22:07:00.000+08:00

...or at least you don't.

I don't know where to start. Even when I'm not saying it out loud, just thinking out my feelings is a stressful thing.

What I'm wondering is, is it better for the both of us if I just stay away completely? You don't really need me anyway. I doubt it would make a difference to you. Or that you'd even notice. Whether or not I'm here.

I'm being unfair of course. I know that too. It's just that this whole thing is making me stupid, and I've been desperately trying not to let the whole situation make me behave like a stupid, petty, unfair girl. I'm seeing signs of it already.

... I'll see you around.

This Year is Gonna Be Incredible

2006-07-30T12:25:00.000+08:00

Wala lang, just my attempt at having a line from a song as my blogpost title.

Plot twists have been popping up both in fiction and in real life, so really there's a lot going on, just been too lazy or busy to update.

But, since I am the way I am, the initial emotional flavor of these important events doesn't really linger as long as they do with other people, so I guess I won't be writing as colorfully about them as I otherwise would have been had I written about them immediately. Anyway...

Here they are, updates, in no particular order:

1. Very important story developments in the manga series I've been following, ever since my sister introduced me to it: Inuyasha. Kikyou has died, a second time, and Inuyasha seems to have lost the will to fight (temporarily). Losing your first love, a second time, does that. Poor boy. Things will get better though. Because this is a children's comic, and what I like most about stories written for children is this: there's always redemption in the end. I believe in redemption.

... Also, Sesshomaru (Inuyasha's superhot, metrosexual, full-blooded youkai half-brother) just met up with his mother (she's still around?) and seems to be upgrading is sword. He just slipped into Hell in the last chapter, in pursuit of a dog who took his ward. Sooo looking forward to what will happen next.

All in all... really significant turn of events, and 400+ chapters into the series Rumiko proves she really does have many, many more stories to tell.

Yes, important story developments in fictional stories I follow count as updates to my life :-)

2. It just really hit me recently, that the report I was working on in CEM, was connected to this. Pretty interesting stuff. If only I had more time to do it. We just wrapped up last Friday though. The people we talk to are really nice though. Not like clients in the other job.

3. Got promoted and got a raise. Yey! The first in all my 6 years of working. Because when you're self-employed there are no raises unless you're making more money. I guess I wasn't at the time. I feel a bit more grown up now. Just a bit more. Until I think about my lack of savings, which makes me feel like a newbie to the working world. Haay, depressing.

4. Got a haircut.

5. And well, since I find good news in other people's lives updates to mine as well, I would like to take the opportunity now to congratulate people with good news in their lives: Joa, who will be getting married next year, and Hazel who has been grabbed by a cable channel to host a medical probe-team type show. Very cool girls! Let's take over the world!

Blue?!? But Everyone Likes Blue... :(

2006-07-15T21:55:00.000+08:00

Your Power Color Is Blue

Relationships and feelngs are the most important things to you.
You are empathetic and accepting - and good at avoiding conflict.
If someone close to you is in pain, it makes you hurt as well.
You try to heal the ones you love with your kind and open heart.

What's Your Power Color?

My Demon Aura Rates...

2006-07-15T21:47:00.000+08:00

You Are 20% Evil

You are good. So good, that you make evil people squirm.
Just remember, you may need to turn to the dark side to get what you want!

How Evil Are You?

Hmmm. Did I really answer as honestly as possible? Mwahahahahaha!

A Week of Pivotal Stories

2006-07-09T20:29:00.000+08:00

This week has been an amazing week of good stories!

Of course, they're all fictional.

Still. That's never stopped me before from crowing in delight. :D

Briefly, a rundown:

1. House, M.D., 2nd season, Episode 2: Ka-iyak!

2. Carnivale: Ben Hawkins finally finds Scudder! Management is a freak! (but we knew that) Pervert Brother Justin is Management's Son! Ben Hawkins grows in power! Episode ends with: Sophie in Brother Justin's House! (ewww...)

3. Carnivale part 2: after Wikipedia-hunting, I find (apart from more than I really needed to know :)) that: Scudder and Brother Justin are of the House of Dark, and Ben Hawkins and Management are of the House of Light; and... Brother Justin is actually Sophie's father... (will he cut off her right hand?)

4. Inuyasha: NARAKU!..... Kikyou...

5. And of course... Superman Returns

I'll probably take these up in detail some other day, or in the other blog. Still writing Hatim's paper. Grrrrr.

Cold Turkey

2006-07-03T13:05:00.000+08:00

That's how I should quit. And it should start by me quitting reading this particular person's blog. I just find it... depressing. Unfortunately, when I don't find previously mentioned blog depressing, it's actually quite entertaining. Besides reading it makes me feel connected.

But I should stop that.

...This is hard...

Legend of the Condo Heroes

2006-07-02T19:31:00.000+08:00

Uhm, the title is a kind of lame pun on the Chinese story / legend / anime, now telenovela, "Legend of the Condor Heroes." Yes, the pun is somewhat related to my blog content :)

In the news this week... been condo unit hunting. (see?) Unfortunately, there's always something off about the units we've seen. Of course, there's a budget so we're limited by that. And there's a preferred location, which narrows our choices even further. So far, what we've turned up are either:

- Accessible but too cramped / small for 3 people (2 girls and a boy pa, so there'd be dressing up problems)
- Accessible, nice neighborhood, but the unit itself has no windows (Live on aircon air? These people are nuts!)
- Accessible, hotel-like, what the unit lacks in kitchen amenities, it makes up for with a roomy bathroom (duh), but the street is close to seedy bars

It's hard to look for a nice place on a budget. :-( (That's another duh comment, isn't it? Hehe.)

Most recently, just this morning, we looked at some DMCI homes in Taguig (mid-rise, residential condos with resort-type amenities... yes, they have POOLS!!!! Waaah!). DMCI, the makers of allegedly 90% of the stuff in Makati (shouldn't that be the Ayalas? :)) and the sultan's palace in Brunei.

And the units are nice. Really nice. Except they're for sale. But they're actually affordable! Except they're too far from well, CBDs (Makati and Ortigas). As in public transport coming from Cainta is probably more convenient to get.

But there's a pool!

Except if we're going as far as Taguig, we might as well get the DMCI condo units near Cainta. (Which I just found out now also have pools. Waaah!) But we just learned this morning that all the 2-bedroom units are sold. That's the smallest unit for the East Ortigas Mansions.

Waaah!

What looked like a weekend of unexpected accomplishments turned out to be a weekend of eliminations. Actually it was a whole week of such. >Sigh<. I want to move out. Take myself to the next stage of evolution. Or growth. The Adult Stage. ============== Note: Yes, childhood lasts a long time in our house. Up until the age of 30, if you don't do anything about it. I better do something, and fast!

A Solitary Blue

2006-06-29T12:39:00.000+08:00

It feels like I'm not a part of your life anymore. I guess this means I still have some way to go because it hurts me. If I were successful in my objective, it shouldn't hurt like this, right?

How Do I Teach Them That?

2006-06-29T00:30:00.000+08:00

... How do I teach them wisdom, and compassion, and how not to abuse their powers?

--- Luke Skywalker to Mara Jade, on the instruction of his sister's children

Have I mentioned?

One of best parts about going to graduate school is the classmates.

Because you are all older, wiser and different, listening to your classmates share their experiences in class is like seeing the world again for the first time; or seeing the possibilities of your own life anew for the first time in a long time. I like this feeling. Like I'm free. That I can still claim my place in this world. That I'm not too late.

All I need is courage.

Yesterday we had Psych 220: Research Methodology: Issues and Problems. Yeah, it sounds boring. But really it isn't. Probably because the teacher isn't. She's sharp, and tough, and funny and sensitive, and you get the feeling that she's reading you like a book, even if you're just sitting in class (or maybe especially if you are just sitting in class). This woman with her 2o years of experience in field research; whose work changed her; whose work seeks to change other people's lives. Of course my mind immediately made up romanticized images of The Noble Researcher's Meaningful Life in the Field, although I know the truth is far from that idyllic picture. It's just nice to be inspired. Who says inspiration had to be realistic?

But... back to reality. After this class, I ride home with one of my friends, and her friend from work, Joa and Helene. Sometimes Joa's father drives us; sometimes her papa does :-). And this is fun too.

I miss my friends.

... But You Are to be Preferred...

2006-06-27T12:43:00.000+08:00

You know what I'm thinking?

I wish I had more poetry in my life.

Or my soul.

Did I ever?

Having the usual attack. I need to do something creative so bad it hurts.

And the threat of Malaysian May Ooi looms.

And then on the very same day, I wish I could just be a grunt.

So I won't have thoughts.

Voice#1: "Keh. If you take the thoughts out of Kathryn what would be left?"
Voice#2: "The kazaana maybe?"

Happy Birthday

2006-06-07T22:56:00.000+08:00

to me!

And it didn't turn out as bad as I expected. :) I'm happy today.

2006-06-06T20:41:00.000+08:00

...tomorrow's my birthday and as usual, I'm feeling depressed at the prospect. I dunno... I just... really feel lonely in the middle of a crowd / party. Not that there will be... because I'll be off to UP to enroll for next semester's classes instead.

Next post!

The End of Summer

2006-06-06T19:57:00.000+08:00

The company went on an outing last June 2 and 3 --- to Mactan, Cebu's Plantation Bay.

Here's a sample view of the place.

Two take-away thoughts from the experience:

1) I still know how to bike!
2) I never really learned how to swim...

I wanna learn how to swim!

X-cape! (Day 6)

2006-05-26T21:40:00.000+08:00

The last day of the conference was a half-day program, which left us time to do some last minute shopping.

And we ended up teaming up by age group.

Which means we two young 'uns shopped together...

And youth is such that after finishing our shopping (at around 9 or 10 pm) and eating dinner we, on a whim, decided it would be a GREAT idea to watch X-Men 3. Without telling the elders.

Haaaayyyy. I am too easy to influence in a bad way.

So we ended up going back to the hotel at 1AM. And my roommate, the head of the other department which presented a paper, it turns out, had been quite worried.

Good girls should have told, I know. Just so the elders wouldn't worry. Ewan ko ba.

[sneaking out was kind of fun though...]

And I hit upon a realization: to be able to stay out late, I would have to be in another country. I would have to be a jetsetter!

Brilliant!

Gala Dinner and the Toy (Day 5)

2006-05-25T21:13:00.000+08:00

The fifth day is worth mentioning for these reasons: the gala dinner, which was surprisingly fun, in a geeky sort of way, and because after that, all of us snuck out to Mustafa's Place (or some name like that, its an electronics emporium within the Little India compound) and shopped til 2:00 AM.

That's right folks.

And I came away with this baby ---->

Yes.... it's a thing of beauty. And so far, it plays everything. Can you tell I'm in love?

Free Day (Day 4)

2006-05-24T23:48:00.000+08:00

Wednesday was a free day for the conference participants, and we used the time to go around town.

For the morning, we got on the SIA Hop-on/Hop-off bus, and got off the Botanical Gardens, Little India and the Esplanade.

Then in the afternoon we went to magical Sentoooh-saaah --- Singapore's Island Resort!

Rode the cable car, saw Underwater World and watched the Fountain Show.

And Joseph is right. Underwater World is small. I wouldn't know if it's worth S$20, but he didn't seem to think so. Oh well. Animals are still fun to goggle at.

The Fountain Show is pretty good though. Water as projector screen. Sugoi!

I think Kiki the Monkey is a bit demented though. And I don't mean in the clinical psychology sense.

Clandestine Meetings (Day 3)

2006-05-23T23:27:00.000+08:00

After a day of listening to paper presentations, a secret meeting at He-Who-Must-Not-Be-Named's place.

A funny, brief interlude: the tour agent at the hotel lobby chatted with me as I was waiting to be picked up.

Then Maritess and I met Lee (Malaysian?), Taufik (Malaysian?), Joseph (Singaporean) and Eugene (Singaporean?). Joseph is funny. A Singaporean who's down on Singapore.

I think I must've sounded like a bigot to Lee and Taufik. Hey, but they were asking about first impressions. Actually what I answered weren't first impressions but expectations.... Hmmmm...

Take-away thought for the night: I still forget that sometimes, He-Who-Must-Not-Be-Named can be really horrible.

I present to you these two droids..... (Day 2)

2006-05-22T23:03:00.000+08:00

"...both are hard-working, and will serve you well."

--- Luke Skywalker to Jabba the Hutt, Return of the Jedi

And that's how I felt I guess, on presentation day. Like I was going to be offered to Jabba the Hutt.

Well, not really. But my fingertips were cold as I waited for my turn.

Apparently however, I needn't have worried.

For the first day, the presentation sessions were arranged 2-3 per hour, with coffee breaks and lunch interspersed after every hour. Paper presentations were divided among 4 venues, so that for each hour, about 8 papers were being presented, in groups of 4, simultaneously. (I hope you got that).

Which is my long way of saying only 10 (or less) people stayed around to listen to ours.

It didn't help that we got the last time slot either (1630-1730).

Some interesting comments on our presentation though:

- Nigerian delegate, coming up to me and saying that I was a role-model: "A girl talking about math... you are a role model!" (which made me feel like I was 12).

- Chair for the session: "I almost forgot to ring the bell (to signal that we had gotten past the 20-minute time limit), I was listening to your presentation."

- Singapore delegate, the next day: "Did you present yesterday? Because I heard from my colleagues that 2 Filipino presented yesterday, and it was very good." (are they required to say this because they're the hosts?)

So it went well enough I guess. I'll do better next time though!

Cut-Off (Day 1)

2006-05-21T22:00:00.000+08:00

My first day in Singapore... and Smart's roaming feature failed to activate (on time, is my guess)...

I want to sleep now, but I'm supposed to prepare for a presentation! But since I bought S$15 worth of 5-hour wireless internet connection, I feel I need to make full use of this first!

Haaayyyy.

So what did we do today? Pigged out in Chinatown and dropped by the afternoon cocktail event for the IAEA participants. New foods I tasted today: Peanut Soup Dessert, Oyster Omellette, Beef Jerky and Red Caviar. I felt like I was going to have indigestion...

We walked from Chinatown to River View Hotel and I realize now as I think about what I was thinking back then while we were walking: I have this amazing ability to turn all wondrous things into the absolutely mundane. I mean, I seem rarely to get impressed by anything. Earlier today I was thinking how Singapore really just looked like the better parts of Hongkong, which really just looked like the Makati Business District. Talk about blase.

Well, let's end here so that I can pretend to prepare for tomorrow :D

Namida

2006-05-05T23:46:00.000+08:00

I felt like crying.

Today I saw you again.

And I regret.

And wish. And despair.

I need to look forward. And start walking in that direction too.

Just a little more work. I know I'll get there. To the point where all this won't cut so.

But when?

Lost

2006-05-03T23:43:00.000+08:00

... is how I feel.

There's more to say, except I'm not in the mood to elaborate. Because it's almost midnight, and I have to be at work by 7:30 AM. But part of what scares me is this: I don't know how to burn enough to keep at this. Regular job during the day, "pet project" at night after work. So it's like 17 hours of work a day. Well, not straight, but it takes the zing out of the work when you start something you know you won't finish soon but is needed ASAP. And staying after hours isn't the solution because it just ruins your head for the day job.

What a problem.

I want a solution. Sometimes a solution crosses my mind... but I'm afraid to consider it.

I want to find my passion.

Oh wherefore art thou passion project?

I want to know what it's like to never work a day for the rest of my life because I love what I'm doing.

You are...

2006-04-24T09:38:00.000+08:00

... a spoiled brat Kathryn Tan. Grow up.

Everything Dances, Nothing Dies

2006-04-18T07:31:00.000+08:00

Some random thoughts.

Yesterday was a significant day. Jaje finally got a grade for their thesis. He is officially a graduate. Lernie comes up to me and whispers, “Do you realize what a momentous occasion this is?.. Our parents officially have no more dependents!” And I think to myself, “Oh yeah.”

Except not really. But I don’t really want to think about that.

Yesterday I discovered an annoying, significant, but not really crucial mistake in the paper we’ve submitted for the IAEA conference. Annoying because, well…it’s a mistake! Significant because it’s 2 columns of data! Not really crucial because it doesn’t make a difference to the conclusions. The whole thing taught me this about myself: Looks like I never really grasped the meaning of the distributive property of multiplication. So I myself illustrate the conclusions of the paper: mastery of procedural knowledge does not imply mastery of conceptual knowledge. Hayyyyy.

Ricky Reyes seems like a pretty cool guy. Tom Cruise looks cute in the MI:3 poster (I mean I am struck that it struck me so, not being a Tom Cruise fan). And there’s no more Powerdance in Edsa Shangri-la.

Finally.

I watched the first 7 episodes of Rud’s Inuyasha collection yesterday. And I never thought I’d say this again, but I think I’m…. in love :) . Heck I might even start drawing fanart again! Hahaha :D.

The list of to-do’s goes on.

Blue Lagoon

2006-04-12T20:28:00.000+08:00

There's some really weird blue lagoon shat going down in our house.

This is Bart, Lernie's son.

This is Chewie (yes, as in Chewbacca the Wookie), Rud's daughter. (It's the hair color you see. She --- my sister that is --- was a bit crazy when she got Che wie, so...)

They're cousins. Brother and sister...

But months turn to years, seasons change and uh, hormones get manufactured. So little Chewie, at 8 months, is in heat. And Bart, at 4 years, is acting every bit like the dawg that he physically is (there's a theory among the mamees that actually, Bart doesn't really think of himself as a dog... more like a person trapped in a dog's body; maybe I'll elaborate some other time.)

And it's weird! They're cousins!

This week is supposed to be the last week of this madness however... but... three weeks, twice a year! [shudder]...

Fantasy #2

2006-04-06T20:24:00.000+08:00

When Lern and I were younger we figured that if we were to save the Philippines (ahem!), there were only 2 ways to do it:

1. Improve education.
2. Make better movies.

Because in this country, the 2 are almost the same.

I used to be such a movie / TV addict (TV was my friend!). I remember not caring about homework because... Sunday's Big Event was on! And it's Karate Kid! (horrible, I know; luckily I outgrew it --- Ralph Macchio that is, not TV). And I wanted to be a director.

I look at the picture below and I am struck by 2 things:

1. Eleanor and I were both young enough that we'd do something as crazy as this.
2. And Eleanor and I were both young enough that I could wheedle her into doing something as crazy as this. Can't do that to the management-trainee imperious-curse-wielding mamee now!

I've shadowed the picture so you won't clearly see her face. I promised.

I'm the vampire. She's the victim. I think I must be grade 5 here. And who's taking the picture, Rud?

Crazy!

Is this why I'm in CEM? Because I decided to be a nerd and opted for strategy number 1?

I Want / Fantasy #1

2006-04-06T20:20:00.000+08:00

To have my father's mind,
My mother's heart,
Frances' sensible-ness
Eleanor's outgoing-ness
And Jaje's Lucky-ness (inside joke).

Allegedly, I have my mother's looks. But the picture below says otherwise.

She was in 2 commercials (Safeguard and something else). I discover this as I type it because the parents generally don't talk about things like this with us kids. Only got it from my sister.

Doesn't this picture look fab? :D At 58, she's still a glowing beauty. Because she always smiles. Even her voice does.

I want to learn that too. How to always be smiling. Even when life almost breaks you.

I'm It!

2006-04-06T20:14:00.000+08:00

Coz Chrise tagged me :) (hindi ako yung kathy dun sa 8 traits list di ba? wala kasing t. :))

Get ready for mind-numbing pedantic-ness! (pedancy? hahaha)

4 jobs I've had in my life:
a. Research Coordinator
b. Project Leader
c. Tutor
d. Researcher I

4 films I can watch over and over:
a. Funny nonsense films like Coneheads, Dreamcatcher
b. Matrix I and II (especially fight scenes)
c. Merlin (hallmark made for tv movie)
d. Some Kind of Wonderful (coz i want to believe! :))

4 places I have lived (in):
a. Cainta
b. My head
c. Melbourne, Australia (isang pagpapanggap ito, dahil 1-2 linggo lang ako dun; pero sa foster family para talagang exchange program ang dating)
d. Aunt's house when my sister had bulutong

4 TV programs I love to watch:
a. American Idol (dahil kay Elliot Yamin, kasalukuyang kinababaliwan ni Eleanor)
b. Dr. House (in the words of his ex: smart, funny, surprising, sexy)
c. Inuyasha
d. Jessica Alba's Darkangel (I have the DVDs) / Friends

4 places I would have visited had I had the money:
a. Europe
b. China
c. Local scenic places (Palawan, Boracay, Bohol etc)
d. Japan (Kyoto!)

4 websites i visit daily:
a. Friends' blogsites
b. Google (although this isn't a website)
c. YahooMail
d. Not daily but Friendster

4 of my favorite foods:
a. Nescafe Iced Coffee
b. FRENCH FRIES!
c. Boneless Fried Bangus (try Jollibee's sarap!)
d. Cold Chocolate Drink (with matching bread or cookies)

4 places where I would want to die:
a. My house (if I were old and decrepit and already needed to die; otherwise it would probably be horrible for those left behind if I die in the house... unless there was time for goodbyes)
b. The hospital (pero hindi accident or crime-related)
c. ...
d. ...

4 people (living/dead) who you want to meet:
a. Jose Rizal
b. Tamora Pierce
c. Ursula K. Leguin
d. Ninoy Aquino

4 Places Ive been on Vacation (from most to least recent)
a. Hongkong (2 years ago)
b. Puerto Galera (7 years ago)
c. Subic (13 years ago)
d. Baguio (16 years ago)
--- we are so not a vacationing family, sigh ---

4 Places I would Rather Be Right Now
a. In bed
b. In front of the TV
c. Among friends
d. Dance class

4 People I Wanna Tag
a. Frances Tan
b. Eleanor Tan
c. Frank Tan Jr.
d. Jana Senseng

Human Factory

2006-02-28T22:29:00.000+08:00

Today in class, one of the reporters asked: what role does school play in our lives? And of course in typical fashion, I am at a loss how to respond. Because the question is so simple, its actually hard to answer. Does it mean to ask, "What role the school meant/intended to play in my life? What role did it in fact play in my life?" Or does it mean to elicit an answer that speaks in generalities and not personal experience?

Well, anyway my belated answer is this. Schools... are like factories... producing canned goods called students. They take this raw material, process / fashion it into the shape / cut / specifications they want, and churn them out by the hundreds... thousands.

A product of Assumption education!

One day...

2006-02-18T05:24:00.000+08:00

One day I will be able to think about you without feeling so hurt by you.

Back to the Future!

2006-02-11T22:31:00.000+08:00

You're supposed to have some things to look forward to, to get you going. Here are some of mine:

1. Get a place of our own (by our I mean us sisters; Rud seems amenable). Saving up for the housing fund starts now! This will entail saving **** a month :) (This is looking like a 5-year plan...)

2. I feel like creating a website on psychology in the Philippines. It'll be useful I promise! For psych majors or anyone interested in learning about how people think. I'm thinking it'll be more on cognitive psychology though, my new favorite subject! (except I feel that my report on my topic on this subject tanked)

3. I'm thinking of taking dance / theater classes this summer. Saw a list of acting workshops in a magazine somewhere around here. But I'm leaning more toward dance. I'll work my way up the courage ladder first :)

4. Or, I start taking up running as a sport this summer. Fifty percent cheaper. Maybe I can even join some races (hahaha!) like my father.

5. Definitely I will have that footspa tomorrow!

6. Let's go back to the own place thing: I want to have a mural on one of the walls in this new place. And paint it myself! (Will maybe talk some more on how I want this new place to look, sometime in a future blog entry)

What do you think, too much?

High-Lows

2006-02-07T00:13:00.000+08:00

And in the spirit of "The Story of Us," today's high-lows:

1.) High: Indian priest classmate in Experimental Designs always helps our professor erase the board. It's really nice of him. Ang sweet :)
2.) High: Officemate's 2-year old son was chattering away at work today. Ang cute :)

3.) Low: Fearing that I may be responsible for blowing the circuits in Rm 203. I think I forgot to unplug the OHP after my class report last Tuesday. The short-circuit was said to have happenned Thursday. Please let it not be me!!! Ang malas :(

4.) Low: Telecon. Of course. For the simple reason that he's there. That's all it takes. Ang stupid :(

Shopping Weekend Gone Bust

2006-02-05T20:54:00.000+08:00

According to my calendar of activities, I was supposed to go shopping this weekend. Footspa. The works. Instead I mostly snored Saturday away and pretty much of Sunday too. Three things of note though:

1. I snored most of Saturday away because I was out late last Friday at a... bar. Hahaha. Decided to drop by to take a peek at Juana's album launch. Except since I haven't been sleeping properly for the past 3 weeks, I was pretty much falling asleep on my seat by 11pm and so we had to leave before we actually got to watch Juana. Hayyy. Who am I kidding? I left early because of curfew...

2. Our paper got accepted for presentation at the 2006 Conference of the International Association for Educational Assessment in Singapore! I feel PSYCHED! (yes, I recently rewatched In Good Company). Except this paper is as yet non-existent! Time to start feeling PSYCHO!

3. I finally got to go the LOJ feast again in Camp Aguinaldo. Had to stand for 3 hours playing 'usherette.' It was good to see the folks there again.

And who am I kidding? I couldn't have gone shopping this weekend anyway because the most recent credit card bill ate up all my cash, I have to lend rent money and I'm down to the last bits of my transportation allowance until the first semi for February comes in this week. 'Til then, I must scrimp, scrounge and save...

But we will end on a happier note with Brother Bo's daily morning mantra (slightly edited for personal purposes): "How can I bless people I encounter this week?" It's amazing to listen to people like him :)

How Funky is Your Chicken

2006-02-01T11:16:00.000+08:00

How do you move past disappointing performance?

"Be happy. And do your work like you're doing it for yourself."

Apply this Kathy. Apply, apply, apply.

I am...

2006-01-31T22:59:00.000+08:00

The martial strains have summoned me,
To hear your sorrows,
Still your pain.
I am the protector of Justice
Equality - my sole friend
My vision never blurred by cowardice
My soul never chained
Life without honor
Is life in vain.

...the DoG

Ako si 'Mart...

This Year

2006-01-26T12:43:00.000+08:00

Hi..... Happy New Year!

And my biggest resolution for this year is: Get to know myself. Or at least, recall who I am, and what I am capabale of. Because for the past 5, especially 2 years, I really lost who I was.

But, as part of another new year's resolution: We will NOT get into that.

Instead we will move forward! But first, a recap:

My name's Kathryn. My family calls me Turk (or Treng, depending on degree of consanguinity :)), my friends call me Kathy, some people try calling me Kat. Judel and Maritess call me 'Atchi.' I like my name because it sounds like the name of a queen, when pronounced the way it should, but it does not go by the common spelling. And I guess I like being that: being contrary. I prefer to blend in, in a way that stands out. Hahaha, that sounds schizophrenic.

I like potatoes. Fried, boiled, mashed. I like chocolate drink with bread or Presto Cream Peanut Butter Cookies. I like baby-watching (anywhere) with my sisters. And by baby, yes I mean infants. It's funny but I just realized that we've nicknamed one baby, whom we've watched grow up, everytime we saw him at church, Potato-Head Baby. It's the shape of his head. (Two of my loves, in one baby boy! :))

I like reading and daydreaming. I can draw, a bit. Last year, I was able to take up 'art classes' as I've been planning to for a long time. I would love to take up jazz/hip-hop dance lessons. I would also like to take a gander at theater. Yeah... contrary to appearances, I love performing.

I prefer comfort over style, although lately I've been trying to make choices that include both. I like wearing tall heals and long pants, drop earrnings and Max Factor Porcelain 50 Skin Tone Adapting Liquid Foundation (try saying that under 2 seconds!). I can't pull off short skirts, tubeless tops and spaghetti strap blouses. I wouldn't be able to wear knee-length boots and a mini-skirt even if my life depended on it.

I don't like mean people, ampalaya, interviews (I almost got interviewed in Boy Abunda's show, hahaha. Good thing I was busy when they called.) and corporate-speak. I don't believe that teenagers have to be rebels, that you have to hurt yourself first before you will truly learn how to ride bicycles or drive cars, or that men are dogs by default. I don't believe in cyncism. Because I expect better. Because I expect the world to be kind.

I believe in faithfulness. I believe in fairness and second chances. And despite what I've been told, I still choose to believe that benevolent power is possible. Because humanity has come of an age when it has realized that, "just because we can do a thing, doesn't mean that we must do a thing."

And I would like to live for a cause.

I'll stop here because this is getting too long, and lunch break is way past over.

Superman's Angle

2005-11-22T12:56:00.000+08:00

Last night as I was watching a trailer of the new Batman series, I wondered out loud how they would remake Superman for the new generation of kids who automatically think having angst is cooler. Today, Rudd sends me a text message on the answer:

"I know what Superman's angst is!.... lost love and how to save this planet he calls home..."

Ah, ok. And apparently Kate Bosworth will play Lois Lane. Weird. I'd rather have Jessica Alba. Hahaha.

Then later today, Judel tells me that apparently, we will be meeting He-Who-Must-Not-Be-Named on December 4.

I'm scared.

I dozed off at my desk with that last thought and woke up depressed.

Young Riders

2005-11-18T23:03:00.000+08:00

... because the background music that goes with this picture is from the TV show of the same title...

This was taken around 15 years ago, in Baguio. Presenting the Tan Sibs in chronological order:

FRANCES
Position: Second from left
Code Name: Rudd
Alter Ego: Dr. Doolittle
Additional Description: Mother of Chewie (or Rattie, or Cutie or Joey, depending on who's doing the calling), Official (Dog) Pooper-Scooper, youngest-looking oldest sib... oh, and Pediatrician/Allergologist-Immunologist AND Lecturer (ADMU)

KATHRYN
Position: Far left
Code Name: Turk
Mutant Power: Demon Aura (a sputtering power)
Additional Description: Wicked Witch of the West, Bart and Chewie's Auntie, Official Sick Person, Lern's Twin (up until high school, notice the clothes) ... and uh... 'researcher'

ELEANOR
Position: Second from right
Code Name: Lern
Mutant Power: Imperious Curse
Additional Description: Gym Rat, Mother of Bart, Official Sauce-Maker, Turk's Twin (up until high school, notice the clothes)... and Investment Analyst

FRANK JR.
Position: Far right
Code Name: Jaje
Alter Ego: Cooking Master Boy
Addition Description: Discovery Boy, Official Juice-Maker, Water-Bearer and Student of Computer Science

Their names will be popping up now and then in this blog, so I thought introductions were in order.

Until next time!

Life Rocks!

2005-11-07T23:36:00.000+08:00

So apparently, I can get madly twitterpated, then tossed away --- and still be a kick-ass student. It's one of those rare occasions when I actually feel: it's good to be me.

I hope you also had a good day today :)

B.A.C. (Before Art Classes)

2005-09-10T22:36:00.000+08:00

Fan art. Before the workshop. Am I scaring you yet? :)

The foliage on this one was actually more complicated, so I copped out and just drew some arbitrary unrealistic vines. K and K forever! Right Maan? This was copied from a tiny, almost-thumbnail-size drawing.

Do these scans look as bright on your screen as they do on mine?

This one was copied from one of the OST covers. Yes, the resemblance is kind of weak.

What is so fascinating about this character? Well, as one blogwriter put it, "The idea of a man with absolute power, who absolutely refuses to abuse that power, is compelling."

And that's why. Among other things. But I really need to do my homework now.

This is kind of addicting.

Debut

2005-09-10T22:35:00.000+08:00

I didn't have one of those when I turned 18. Too expensive. But on that day, I woke up to my mother holding peach-gold roses to my face. They were wrapped in newspapers because they were from the palengke.

And I got the following short story from my younger sister and brother....
==============================
page 1.

"We were lucky we were able to pull together that fleet out there. I had to pull more than a few strings for that," Leia told Han nervously. She kept looking out of the window of the room.

"Don't worry about it sweetheart," Han said in an absent-minded though reassuring tone, "everything will turn out okay." He was punching in last minute instructions to the fighters outside. Chewie growled and barked something, and Artoo whistled an agreement.

"No, I checked out all those ships before I came in myself. They're all fine," Luke said confidently.

"I hope General Antilles was able to countercheck the loaded equipment. If any of the materials are left behind, oh, the mission will surely be compromised," Threepio moaned nervously.

Luke's com link buzzed and crackled. "Hey Luke, we're about ready to start."

Luke signalled to the others to start moving out of the room. "Okay Wedge, just wait for my go ahead."

Artoo was first to the door and everyone else followed. Out of the room, out of the building and past a little garden. Chewie led the way to a broad green field and roared at everyone to hurry up.

"I've always hated the running part," Threepio whined as he scurried along. Artoo just made some cheerful twittering comment in reply.

"Wedge better not botch this up," Han said very seriously.

"Go on Luke, give Wedge the signal," Leia said still a little breathless.

All of them stopped in the middle of the field and looked up at the sky. With a big smile on his face, Luke spoke into his com link. "All right Wedge, fire away..."

The screech of fighters filled the air and only seconds later bright explosions and lights in the sky---
==============================
page 2.

==============================
Birthday fireworks from the heroes of the Rebellion! Only the truly devoted (or the truly geek) would have loved it. And I, at 18, was one such creature.

I am still amazed at the amount of effort that must have gone into this. Considering that my sister is such a non-fan! There are so many details here that sit just right. The little ships were done by my brother. You can identify the models. :)

Peach-gold roses. And fireworks in a galaxy, far, far away....

It was a great way to wake up to a birthday!

(No, the picture below was not part of the present. Just felt like sticking it in.)

Memories

2005-09-10T22:34:00.000+08:00

My sisters call photos, "memories." So I was leafing through some old 'memories' and came across this picture. I'm rappelling down a wall! (Yes, it's me the ropes are covering.) It wasn't a long way down, but it was vertical, and that alone kind of makes your head spin. But I made it down. And no, none of that Extra Challenge screaming. Although in fairness, we didn't scale a 2-digit storey-tall wall (ugh, what a bad rhyme). :)

Look at the angle this was shot. So anime!

This picture was taken in Tintern School, Melbourne, Australia. Nine years ago. They have rappelling for P.E.

I should do more things like this. Leap into new experiences, and savor every moment of the harrowing way down :)

Enter Stage Left

2005-03-27T13:54:00.000+08:00

I'm on the cusp of things and it's a little scary... I've never been out in the real world.

Happy Easter to All!

Jacob Have I Loved

2005-02-28T20:52:00.000+08:00

Hi.

And so I name my first entry in this new blogsite for the novel by Katherine Paterson. It's a sad, beautiful line especially if you recognize the allusion. It is actually the first half of a verse taken from The New Testament, Romans 9: 15 (New International Version)... "Jacob have I loved... but Esau have I hated."

Well okay, maybe it's sad only to me and beautiful because I've read the book. I've always felt sorry for the Esau's, and the sons who aren't prodigal.

When Paterson wrote this novel, she had been struggling with the question of how God chooses His people. Because if He chooses a certain group, doesn't that mean He doesn't choose others? But Paterson believed He chooses all people, and so the book embodies her answer; how Louise, the less favored twin, who identified with Esau, struggles and finally finds her place in the world.

Interpretations of the biblical line explain that "in the larger context, Paul is talking about God's authority to grant mercy to those whom He chooses - whom He calls." When Louise finally finds her calling as an adult, she learns to recognize that maybe she too has been loved.

So.

Hoping this first entry has set the tone, this blog would be about all things I have loved: books, manga, movies, food and anything else which has and still enthralls, and captivates and enlightens me. I'll share. I realize these days how I miss the time when I could still dive headlong into fandom and obsession. Nothing beats talking about what you are such a fangirl about :D

And also hidden, as the rest of the line for the blogtitle is hidden, is the reason why I do so. Because it's not just for the pleasure of sharing. But that's a topic for another blog. Which I do not care to create a monument to.

Instead...wonder and passion... here we go!