One Last

I know I promised not to talk about this anymore, but I just need to get this off my chest.


I feel like a cast-off friend. Think Toy Story, except I'm not Woody. I mean Woody was precious and important and he rocked.


...

I'm Gonna Find Another You

... or not. (That's a John Mayer song title up there. Are you proud?)

...

... I don't know where to start.

There are days when I'm ok. And there are days when I am not. Today is one of the 'not days.'

I knew back then that quitting was the only thing about us I could control, so I went down that road. I was afraid that it would only end up in heartbreak for me to wait for you to make up your mind. So of course I end up heartbroken anyway and 5 months after that night, I'm still crying.

...

I'm such an idiot. How could you ever like a tanuki when you've always been surrounded by swans? And "carabaos"?

If It Would Hurt This Much...

... then why did we have to meet? --- Kagome, in tears

I thought Inuyasha and Kagome's romance had lost the power to reach me.


I guess not. Must be of a piece with everything else that's happened.


Maybe it's the feeling of being second-best. Maybe it's the feeling of never being enough. Maybe it's the knowing that no matter how much you might love someone, that you will never be first in their heart because that place is already taken...


Their story is simple, sweet, maybe even childish. But occasionally, I still find it wrenching.

"Someday I Will Love Somebody...

...who will not expect me to save the world..." --- Andrew Wiggin, THE Speaker for the Dead


Highlights of the week:


1. Monday: Worked like a horse.

2. Tuesday: Skipped class. To continue working like a horse.

3. Wednesday: Went home early. To work like a horse at home. But I couldn't solve my systems of equations. Boohoo.

4. Thursday: Mad scramble to finish the work I've been working like a horse on. We print a draft copy for the VP to see. I go off to class, with my unfinished homework. The prof kindly agrees to give an extension. Thank God for small miracles.

5. Friday: My outfit for the day was a hit. With a motley of comments ranging from: "Nakakamangha!" --- from Janet, to "Ang sexy naman!" --- from, well, various people, to "Lady'ng lady" --- from Mark, and the funniest, "Parang gusto kong pumalakpak!" --- from Rex.
On the other hand.... the work I cut class for? The VP basically didnt like how we (ahem, I, ako nga pala mostly ang responsible dun) had organized the report. But we submitted to the client anyway, and will probably be submitting another one more to the VP's liking.

So yeah, despite the dress comments, I'm broken-hearted.

Bought 2 pocketbooks (1 Newberry Honor book and its sequel), 'coz I couldn't get the pedicure I wanted. I needed some kind of mental ice cream.

6. Saturday: Attended an HRD seminar for the pet project. I'll blog about that separately, or not, depending on my mood. And I miss you. I'm depressed about the fact that I do. Lately I've been crying the tears I didn't cry the night I decided to quit you. I thought time and distance would dull the ache. It only seems to have poetically magnified it.

So yeah, I'm broken-hearted.

Bought another pocketbook (by Barbara Hambly). Trying to rekindle my love affair with books.



But I feel generally wan.

At least, ear-tweak has put up a scan of "A merciful heart."

"What a strange way in which to resemble his father."

I Speak but Nobody Hears

...or at least you don't.


I don't know where to start. Even when I'm not saying it out loud, just thinking out my feelings is a stressful thing.


What I'm wondering is, is it better for the both of us if I just stay away completely? You don't really need me anyway. I doubt it would make a difference to you. Or that you'd even notice. Whether or not I'm here.


I'm being unfair of course. I know that too. It's just that this whole thing is making me stupid, and I've been desperately trying not to let the whole situation make me behave like a stupid, petty, unfair girl. I'm seeing signs of it already.


... I'll see you around.

A Solitary Blue

It feels like I'm not a part of your life anymore. I guess this means I still have some way to go because it hurts me. If I were successful in my objective, it shouldn't hurt like this, right?

Namida

I felt like crying.


Today I saw you again.


And I regret.


And wish. And despair.


I need to look forward. And start walking in that direction too.


Just a little more work. I know I'll get there. To the point where all this won't cut so.


But when?

One day...

One day I will be able to think about you without feeling so hurt by you.